I open my laptop. Choose my Spotify playlist and open a fresh page to write on. Then off I go.
That’s how easy it has been to start writing, sharing and teaching.
But not these last 4 weeks. I haven’t written a word or recorded a video in that time-frame. Now, that may not be a lot to you…but it’s a long time for someone who writes daily and does at least 4 videos a week on social media.
It’s a very long time when it’s a part of you. It’s a very long time when what has occurred in those 4 weeks may have happened to people over a matter of years.
I can’t share the details on social media, nor can I for legal reasons. But let me say, a massive part of my identity has been shaken to the core. Shaken so much, I think it’s changed me for good. For the better? I am not sure to be honest.
What I believed in has changed. What I knew about myself has changed. The dynamics of my life have changed also.
When I thought I was at rock bottom, another trap-door took me through the floor again. Then again. Then again. Just as I thought ‘this is it’, it wasn’t. Taking a breath between each instance is all I could (and can) take.
All I could do is breathe. I say this in past tense, but things are still happening.
All I can do is look forward.
All I can do is focus on the good. And f*ck yes, that is so hard when you are in the thick of it.
All I can do is use my support network.
And that’s been a massive thing. My support people.
I have had many moments (even had one yesterday) of ‘No, I need to do this myself, I am sick of being needy and whiny’. It was my self-talk telling me that people are sick of hearing my stuff and must be ‘over it’. Because I am most certainly over it. I want to get off this ride. Now.
It’s overwhelming. It’s all consuming. I am sick of myself.
But today, I am down the beach and I can see the sun rising. I am breathing. I am writing. Interestingly, my playlist is playing ‘Don’t worry, be happy’. Oh the irony!
I am not so sick of myself today. And yes this can change throughout the day, I know. But it’s something.
For so many years I have done things for myself. Made changes to my life. Moved countries, made jobs/businesses happen. Changed my health and walked away from an abusive marriage. I have written books and changed other peoples lives.
So you can imagine, I am head-strong and fiercely independent.
Which I believe, has made it that little bit harder to accept help and support. Did I mention that I am pretty stubborn too? Did I also mention that I get sh*t done on so many levels? Did you even read the book yet? 😉
So back to getting help and support in times of need.
I have felt such a failure these last few weeks – in so many ways. I feel I have failed myself, others and my family. This is a hard drop after succeeding in so many areas over the years. Such a hard fall, that I hardly recognise myself at the moment.
In saying that, I have people around me who love me. Who have caught me when I have fallen. They have caught me a few times now. And whilst I still have a bit in me that doesn’t like this, I know I can’t get through this without them.
They have held the space for me when I have ranted, cried and just stared into nothingness. And I know I would do it for them.
Which is what is keeping me going – this goes both ways.
So my message for today? Reach out, tell someone you are not coping. Get professional help (I have) and know that you are not alone. Others have gone through similar things (even if you don’t think they have, because we think we are all unique hey?) and can give their advice/direction.
You are not on your own. You are loved. Do not worry about what others think about you – that can lead you down a worm-hole for years. Give less of a sh*t and look only forward – because that is all you have.
Thanks for listening.